Amanda falls asleep on the phone while talking to Matt…
Amanda: zzz… paper box!
Matt: …err, what?
Amanda: (abashedly) Nothing!
Matt unwraps a birthday gift from Amanda, who got tired of him asking for a pony
Matt: …it’s a giraffe!
Amanda: :(
Matt: It’s mostly like a pony!
Amanda: Oh no! You’re stuck in the pit of no despair!
Amanda: I had a dream where you were a ghost and you were invincible and you sat on my lap!
Amanda: I’m not hungry for dessert.
Matt: What about tea?
Amanda: Sure, tea is drink not hunger!
Matt: Whoa, it was raining really hard for a moment and then stopped!
Amanda: Err, the dishwasher just went off… it’s not raining.
Matt: I don’t know what I think about these long-sleeved underwear things for sleeping.
Amanda: You mean pajamas?
Matt: Yeah, those!
Amanda: (Reading Thom’s Patagonia trip) What’s BLD?
Matt: I dunno — Bring Laundry Detergent?
Amanda: No, Breakfast Lunch Dinner!
Amanda: (While eating a coconut truffle) Know what this tastes like? Sunscreen!
Matt stands in line at Bagel Oasis in Ravenna and, seeing three columns of adjectives on the menu and thinking they’re a three-step build-a-bagel guide…
Cashier: What can I get for you?
Matt: I’ll have… umm… a poppyseed cheddar everything bagel.
Cashier: …?
Matt: Sorry, I mean an ‘everything’.
The Swann family browses the Mervyn’s shoe section after attending the Christmas parade in Santa Maria. A drop of liquid falls from the ceiling and lands on Dad. We call a clerk over…
Dad: …I just want to make sure that whatever landed on me isn’t going to stain, etc.
Clerk: Well, the break room is right above us…
Mom: (concernedly) So it could be brake fluid!?
Matt: Converting from Celsius to Fahrenheit? You multiply by four-sevenths and add, I dunno, 17…
Amanda: No, it’s seven-fifths, and you add 32! 32 is the degree of zero, duh!
Rick, Jason, and Matt go to the movies. Rick and Jason hand Matt money and send him to the ticket booth.
Matt: Yeah, I’d like tickets for movie name.
Ticket guy: 3?
Matt: (Glancing up at the showtime) No, 2:45.
Ticket guy: …3?
Matt: No, 2:45
Ticket guy: (Bewildered) …3?!
Rick storms up to the ticket booth
Rick: YES, there are three of us!
Amanda: Oh yeah? Try that on the underside of the back of your arm and see if it hurts!
It’s 9:30 on a Wednesday when both Matt and Amanda are working from home. Amanda’s still in bed asleep.
Matt: You’re working from home today, right?
Amanda: Yep!
Matt: No, so far you’ve been sleeping from home…
Amanda: It’s better than sleeping from work!
Amanda: Did you hear that our KitchenAid mixer died?
Chris: (sarcastically) Yeah, we had a memorial service for it last week.
Amanda: And are you going to have a resurrection service for it when I get it fixed?
Amanda: Sometimes when I was little I dreamt that there were snakes on the floor of my room, so I’d go crawl into bed with mom.
Kyle: Wait — you thought there were snakes on the floor, but you walked across it anyway?
Amanda: (abashedly) I tiptoed and hopped!
Matt drives around the Cascades — it takes longer than he’d expected.
Amanda: Didn’t you realize how long that was going to take you?!
Matt: It was only this far on the map!
Matt watches a Super Bowl commercial.
Matt: Huh? I don’t get it.
The commercial turns out to be for Heroes.
Matt: Oh, I get it, we don’t get it because we don’t watch tv.
